“I still wanna see you eat, just not at my table.”

BOUNDARY TALK!

Thanks to Tupac for giving us these wise words;

“Just because you lost me as a friend, doesn’t mean you gained me as an enemy. I’m bigger than that, I still wanna see you eat, just not at my table.”

I love this boundary quote!! 

Can anyone else relate to this?

Or perhaps you are eating with or even still inviting people to eat at your table who have misused their right to be there and don’t know how to ask them to leave?

Don’t worry I get it, IT'S NOT EASY! I used to be that person.  At first I just thought that sharing a table with those people was what you had to do in life, you know…people please and endure it.  But I’ve learnt that sharing meals in life are not meant to be endured, they are meant to be ENJOYED!

If you have to keep moving tables until you find the one you feel most comfortable at, able to be you and fully enjoy your meal, then so be it!  Having the confidence and finding the courage to do that is admirable.  Coz once you do learn how to do that, you will not want to endure another meal again and you can focus your energy on just enjoying!

The reason I really like this quote is that it clearly demonstrates how boundaries are there to protect ourselves, to preserve our own physical, mental and emotional well-being. NOT to make enemies and cause harm to others. 

Boundaries are not about controlling or manipulating others to behave how we think they should behave or how we demand them to behave.  They are about knowing our own limits and what we will and will not tolerate for ourselves and removing ourselves from places/situations/people where these lines are crossed or are not respected.

For example:

Let's take this to the dinner table (one of my fave places!)...around the dinner table you would want there to be a mutual respect for everyone present, an understanding of each other's needs and open communication for a pleasant meal.  If someone is crossing a boundary i.e. let’s just say they are shouting across the table, and talking loudly with a mouth full of food, that food is actually spitting out onto people next to them, maybe they don’t realise they are doing it, but it’s not hygienic or respectful!  Respectfully you ask them not to speak with their mouth full and perhaps talk quieter or wait until later to talk to the person across the table if it means they have to shout (we’d rather not be wearing the food at the end of the night and want to keep our eardrums in tact!). 

That person can either realise their bad, see the point that’s being made and apologise and respect the boundary (to which you thank them, and you can all enjoy the meal...FABULOUS!)

OR

They can get offended, think you are being rude for pointing this out and just carry on. 

The latter signifies a lack of respect or care for you or others at the table. By continuing, they are also willingly and knowingly pushing your limits and overstepping your boundary, to which you can respectfully enforce the boundary by being the bigger person rather than making them your enemy.

What does this look like in this scenario?

Well, you could ask them to leave the table as they are not willing to respect the wishes of those present (they can take their food too of course as you still want them to eat).  

However, they could choose not to leave, leaving you in a predicament as you have the right to enforce your boundary. 

So what do you do then?

YOU CHOOSE TO LEAVE THE TABLE, go and sit at another table.  Protect your mental, emotional and physical energy in dealing with someone’s else’s inability to uphold mutual respect.  No, they don’t deserve to be sat at the table with you after that, but if they refuse to leave (most likely to piss you off even more), you don’t have to stay, you can find another table and enjoy your meal in peace, eating alone would be better than enduring this.  You may even find that others from the table come with you or you find others to sit with who do hold similar values where there is mutual respect and understanding. 

Remember this boundary is about YOU, what you will and will not tolerate, what your limits are, and what you are willing to do for yourself if these are overstepped.  Therefore the best and easiest way is to remove yourself as it is only YOU that you can control.  

If you need to force them to listen to you or do as you request, or manipulate and control them into changing their behaviour because they don’t agree with or respect your boundary, then it is not a boundary, it is more of a demand.  

Boundaries are about MUTUAL respect, so you too also need to respect their wishes to not choose to follow your boundaries.  If the consequences of that are that you eat at separate tables and they know that and understand that, then this is what they have chosen and you MUST respect that if you want to uphold respect for yourself.  

Of course if you care about them, this can hurt like hell! But if you’ve made your boundary clear and they have knowingly and willingly chosen to overstep it, you must enforce the consequences.  If your values don’t align and they don’t make room to try and respect and understand your boundaries, respect yourself by leaving that table and let them eat alone while you sit with others who do.

Now imagine that the dinner table is life, and all of those people around it are those that are in your circle.  

LIFE IS NOT MEANT TO BE ENDURED, IT IS MEANT TO BE ENJOYED!

If you feel you could do with some work around boundaries, whether that is figuring out what YOUR boundaries are (everyone is different!) or how to set, maintain and enforce them in a way that feels authentic to you, then let's get on a call!

Click HERE to book in a FREE consultation call!

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