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Understanding the depth of my DELUSION!
Welcome back for the 3rd & final part of this topic -
WHY DO WE DIM OUR LIGHT TO MAKE OTHERS COMFORTABLE?
(You do kinda need to read PART 2 to really get this one, so it’s HERE if you haven’t done so already, and part 1 HERE if you’ve missed that too!)
Here we go...fridge magnets....
It became a thing of mine to collect fridge magnets from all the countries that I travelled to. I had them proudly displayed on my fridge (yep, I’m one of those people!). Of course at the beginning, the person I referred to in part 2 of this blog series was sooooo enthusiastic about me putting them on there, encouraging it in fact! They were asking me about each country and showing tons of interest!
Nevertheless, that sadly soon turned to contempt towards me AND THE FRIDGE MAGNETS! Using snide remarks saying ‘well I've never travelled, you’re just lucky, it's a struggle for me to travel, unlike you!’. Implying that they made them feel less privileged and that was my fault! Whilst also not acknowledging what I actually had to do and went through to make it happen.
So, at the height of their contempt towards me and my confusion, I thought that a kind thing for me to do would be to take the fridge magnets down. A gesture to show that I do care, I understand and that I don't want to rub it in their face...
this right here...
WAS ME DIMMING MY LIGHT!
This is just one example where I went from standing beside them as an equal with my light shining just as much as theirs (as it should be in any healthy relationship), to me stepping back and standing behind them in their shadow where I was dimming my own light to allow them to shine (because my light made them feel uncomfortable!). There are countless more examples!
It felt like in order for them to be happy, I had to hide parts of myself. The very parts that I had to strive so hard for, the parts of me that I am most proud of, the parts that make me who I am today!
CAN ANYONE RELATE?
Of course this was NOT HEALTHY and the relationship became more toxic. For a while after this relationship ended I felt so much shame and anger for the fact that I was actually doing this.
I WAS ANGRY WITH MYSELF!
Angry that I had allowed someone to create so much doubt in myself, to dim my light, to go from being a strong confident and secure person to insecure and anxious. With a lack of self trust and confidence in my own being. I didn't know who I was anymore.
I was willing to give up the parts of me that I had fought so hard to be and the experiences that I had painstakingly built up the courage to make happen.
WHAT WAS I THINKING!
It took a while for me to recover from all of that…but I did.
You wanna know what I replaced those thoughts and feelings with?
Reassurance and love for myself in the knowing that all of this just showed the goodness that was inside of me. That even in those most difficult times I was willing to give up all of that and take those actions in order to save something I cared about, and that was actually quite beautiful (although naive in hindsight!).
This is who I am and I am not going to harden myself or let it ruin this part of me.
A perfect quote I found:
‘What if, instead of expecting yourself to toughen up and develop thicker skin, you created boundaries that honour your softness and sensitivity?’
- @sensitivesocialworker
HERE’S THE LESSON…
While those qualities are lovely, they are no good if they are going to work against you! Causing you to lose yourself and your being, preventing you from having your needs met, let alone expressed. Sacrificing yourself, your potential and your happiness.
Discernment is so important!
I realised that I needed to do a ton of healing and work on myself and recognising where discernment was necessary (and that it was totally ok to use it!). I needed to learn all about boundaries, what they are, how to use them and how to manage when they are not respected or pushed.
So that's what I did!
I LEARNT A HELL OF ALOT ABOUT MYSELF!
Although I believed I had boundaries before, I realised that I let people walk all over them (and me!). I was FAR too forgiving and my levels of empathy were FAR TOO MUCH that I tolerated being mistreated because I could understand why the perpetrator was behaving the way they were!
There was also a need to keep up this version of myself that I prided myself on and thought others expected of me (people pleaser here!). The super positive, understanding, empathic, kind and compassionate Lucy who is non-judgmental and believes people can change and so gives second chances (and third, and forth and fifth…).
I was blind to seeing whether those people actually wanted to change, was there evidence to show they could? I wasn’t using my discernment in assessing the situation accurately or taking into consideration the depth of the betrayals and lack of care behind them, and what that actually said about the person. I just believed what I wanted to believe (in my positive bubble) and went with it.
Once my eyes were well and truly opened after working on this, what came next?
I was overwhelmed!
It brought up so many moments and memories where I had well and truly let myself down and basically laid myself on the floor voluntarily for certain people to walk all over me...AND I ALLOWED IT!!
This was probably one of the biggest lessons that I learned! And I am SO grateful that I did!
Just because you can see and understand someone's reasons for doing something that is hurtful or harmful, it doesn't make their actions ok!
Another great quote that fits here:
‘Just because you understand someone’s behaviour - or why they are the way that they are - does not mean you have to put up with it. No amount of empathy or understanding should ever come before your wellness, especially if their behaviour hurts you or makes you uncomfortable.’
- thepisceanaura
You can still be positive, caring, kind, compassionate, non-judgmental and empathic whilst using DISCERNMENT and upholding BOUNDARIES to protect yourself and all those qualities about you.
(This lead to much more work I did later looking at WHY I was like this...But that’s perhaps for another time)
Why am I sharing this with you?
Well, I know there are so many other people out there who can identify with this. Some of you are reading this right now and others are those that you may know.
To some, these lessons may just seem simple, but for those who struggle with people pleasing, codependency, and anxious attachment it is not so straightforward.
Those of you who have been through or are going through this, I want you to know that you are not alone. That those feelings of shame, anger, confusion, frustration, fear etc. etc. are all normal, understandable AND VALID!
Perhaps this has helped to shed some light onto things that you've been feeling but just couldn't quite put your finger on. Maybe you've been trapped in a place of confusion for some time now, with no understanding of why a relationship is not working despite your countless efforts. Or you don't recognise yourself anymore as the person you once were at the beginning and miss feeling the way you used to.
I'm hoping this leads you to a place where you find the courage to start letting your light shine again, or to seek the support necessary to help guide you back to your light.
Because quite frankly…YOU DESERVE TO SHINE!
For those of you reading this blog, may know someone that this reminds you of…
You could forward this email on to them, to help them open their eyes as a reminder that you want to see their light shining again.
If this has struck a chord in you and you have any experiences that you would like to share and get off your chest please do so!
You can email me on lucyjoyknight@gmail.com
I know just as much as anybody who has been through this, how much talking it out can help, rather than sitting there and ruminating to yourself!
I have chosen to specialise in the area of helping people break free from People Pleasing, Codependency, Anxious Attachment, Trauma Bonding and Toxic Relationships because with my own lived experiences and training, I know I can help to guide and support you in taking your life back FOR YOU, to find your light and get it shining just as it's meant to!
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Email me or visit my website for information regarding my 1:1 offer and available packages.
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Regularly bringing joy, light & insight directly to your inbox!
With Gratitude & Joy Always,
Lucy Joy
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